Rules of Engagement

When issues or potential conflicts arise around child custody, parenting plans, custody agreements, divorce or similar issues:

• remember that fear means you are getting closer to the truth
• imagine yourself in the other person’s position
• know the impact your behavior has upon others
• acknowledge that your family relationships are the highest priority
• remember that your reputation is always in issue
• value the importance of staying “in relationship” and not checking out

When thinking about how to reach a resolution:

• be willing to reach mutually satisfactory agreements
• avoid posturing, tantrums, and “all or nothing” ultimatums
• have no judgment about the other’s lifestyle, ideas or plans
• identify mutual needs and interests that serve everyone
• define and prioritize needs and interests that are most important
• determine how needs and interests impact your life and why
• decide whether needs and interests are significant, tangible, present/future, and beneficial/harmful to you and your relationships

When in a dialogue with others, continue to:

• be in control of emotions, expressions, and outbursts
• communicate clearly and calmly, don’t activate others
• understand the context and content of the message
• give respect so that you get respect
• maintain a civil and polite manner
• listen and “hear” what the other is saying and not saying
• avoid interrupting, when in doubt ask if the other is finished

Powerful ways to achieve resolution include:

• stay in the present, the past will not help you now or in the future
• get past personality issues and past events that block you
• identify multiple options without evaluating
• find common solutions that benefits you and your community
• identify whether the solution is a present or future benefit
• examine and be willing to renegotiate any prior agreements

Above all, take ownership and responsibility for your behaviors, decisions, and agreements.