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Effective Co-Parenting

Parenting together is the unspoken agreement we make with our partner or spouse when we both decide to have children and become parents. Having been children ourselves, we know that parents who cooperate and share responsibility are acting in the best interests of the child. We also know that when parents refuse to cooperate and fail to agree on how to raise a child, it is the child who ultimately suffers.

What Parents are Saying

“As a single, first-time parent, KidsFirst! really helped me think through all the issues of child custody and shared parenting with my son’s father. Working through the questionaire clarified my own values and attitudes about raising my child to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted and serves as good discussion points with his father. I’m hopeful that with the KidsFirst! Parenting Plan that we can always come to agreement about what is best for our son.”      Mary Miller

Agreeing with Your Ex

In the present, are you and the other parent able to agree and are you two able to resolve children issues without arguing?Truth is often a question of perspective, usually existing somewhere between one side and the other. If both parents are open and smart enough to view the world from the perspective of the other parent, you will be able to reach common agreement leading to real collaboration.Remember that you can best be a peacemaker when you are truly at peace with yourself and that your children will model your behavior, good or bad.

A parent may want peace at any cost, but not realize the “real” cost is too expensive until it is too late. If you hide negative feelings about a situation because you have always believed that everything would go more smoothly to just “go along,” you may be causing bigger problems for you and your family.

If you do not allow yourself to feel the loss when relationships change or end, however harmful it may be, you may be missing a great opportunity for significant personal improvement and growth. Pay careful attention when you experience too much or too little feeling about a conflict because it may indicate you may be ignoring your true feelings.

Showing your true face and true feelings would honor your honest experience. Expressing yourself without being mean or harmful, even if those feelings are anger or frustration, will help in many ways. Using this opportunity to explore personal issues and express your honest feelings, you encourage others involved to do the same.

Taking responsiblity for your feelings In the safe environment of therapy could help create an authentic collaborative relationship with the other parent.

There are many forms of self-inquiry and many types of services available, from traditional therapy to church counseling. You may even have a wise friend or relative you would trust when talking about your negative feelings. To be most helpful, share your feelings with a safe and objective listener who will not criticize or judge you, the other parent or your situation.

Custody Agreement Questions

Do you both agree to have the same custody agreements for all your children? If both parents agree on joint custody, the next question should be: “How does this arrangement benefit our child?” If he is very young, making an agreement to move him from one parent’s home to the other several times each week is too disruptive.

If your child moves from one house to the other without a enough time to adjust and find a consistant rythmn, he may begin to feel unsafe and emotionally unstable. It is important to establish consistent routines in each home because children need structure.

Longer periods of time spent with each parent may be preferable so one week on and one week off may be a better arrangement.

Legal Help

Parents can agree to have a different custody agreement for each child. Because of the difference in ages, the rules may well be different for each child.